WARNING: Fiats and Volvos Don't Mix

by John Montgomery

Garage door number two only opens a few times every month. Behind door number two is my little blood red X 1/9. In these days of fading youth I can afford to have a car that some consider a toy, but that redheaded Italian is always ready to play. The engine's modified cam lopes at idle as the car warms up in the driveway. I remove the fiberglass top, search for my sunglasses and connect the radar detector.

The "X" is as clean as a pin, shining brilliantly in the late afternoon sunlight. Every time I gaze at the X 1/9, it looks better and better. After a week of boring office commuting with a bunch of generic, Asian inspired "me too" cars, this is my time to hit the back roads driving something completely different. The Bertone's Italian heritage beckons, "let's go heat up the tires somewhere" on a twisty two lane.

At about the same time, a yuppie wannabee starts their Volvo 240DL in a nearby neighborhood. It's a "family truckster" designed for grocery runs, taking junior to soccer practice or out to a dinner at Mickey D's. This rolling brick of a car hasn't been washed for over a year now, and the owner pays no attention to the loose mud flap dangling off the quarter panel.

Folks living in half-frozen tundra built the Volvo. Italian cars are built a world away in the temperate climate of the Mediterranean. Volvo drivers' minds are half frozen as well, oblivious to the world outside the french fry smeared windows from countless "Happy Meal" dinner runs. They have been sold on the marketing idea that their cars are the safest on the road. Volvo owners have no fear; their senses have been dulled by believing their cars will take up for their ineptitude.

Volvo drivers are the exact opposite of Italian car drivers. When both vehicles enter the roadways at the same time, there's bound to be some sort of cosmic confrontation. Every time I strap on the X 1/9 for some 8000 RPM second gear corners, some "Bozo in a Volvo" pulls out in front of me, early for a soccer match, piano recital or otherwise boring destination. Merging onto the interstate, watch them push the envelope of bad aerodynamic engineering as they accelerate (?) up toward just shy of the posted speed limit. Don't get too close, they change lanes for no apparent reason whatsoever. The typical Volvo driver never uses their mirrors to detect traffic around them. Their only concern is that you read their "Save the Whales" or "My kid is an honor student" bumper sticker.

If you drive an Italian Car, the Volvo will automatically magnetize itself toward your machine and try to run you off the road. There is no explanation for this phenomenon except that "opposites attract". Just count your lucky stars that you have genuine Italian features built into your car; a high revving motor to blow by them at the first opportunity, not to mention razor sharp steering and brakes that would pitch a "Happy Meal" all over the floor in a heartbeat.

A few years ago I had a blast running the little X 1/9 at Lime Rock Race Track in Connecticut. Driving the 1.5 mile road course with spec racer tires bolted on the car left little doubt that the Bertone designed X 1/9 is one of the best handling cars in the world. Once again, the Swedish curse was upon me as a filthy blue Volvo 240DL was assigned to my group for the entire track day. Fate drew us together as the Volvo plundered along in front of me, just barely able to outrun the X on a the downhill leading to the front straight-away. In the corners, the Volvo handled like a pig, as I contemplated textbook Dale Earnhardt maneuvers to punt this rolling chicane off the track. The driver never once looked into his mirrors, so I drove the X deep into turn one at the end of the front straight, then stood on the brakes, only to watch him fade away as I carved up the twisty turns 2, 3 & 4. Six laps later I would have to do it all over again. There should be law to keep Volvo 240's off racetracks.

There's no quarrel with the later model Volvo owners, some of the newer models look good and their drivers actually have a clue. To be driving a Volvo 240DL is a clear indication of the owner's poor self esteem; these unsightly cars have got to be the only good justification for the new "clunker laws". If you actually meet one of these automotive challenged Volvo 242 owners, give them four quarters and direct them to the nearest jet spray car wash. Tell them a little soapy water runoff won't harm the environment or kill a whale. It's OK to wash a Volvo more than once a year, but they need someone to tell them.